Say Yes to No: Why You Should Embrace Rejection
January 29, 2024 | Supreeya S
Have you ever stopped yourself from asking for something in fear of being rejected? You think it’s likely they will say no. Maybe you should wait until you’re more qualified. Maybe you should wait until you feel like you deserve. You talk yourself out of it. Whew! You’ve avoided putting yourself in a situation where you might hear a NO.
We fear the no. We avoid the no. We run when we might hear a no. What is it about the risk of a hearing a no?
What is it with the possibility of a rejection?
Although evolution has helped us to survive to modern times, it doesn’t always work in favor of our growth. Our body developed biopsychological mechanisms work to avoid situations that threaten acceptance. Our brain creates bad feelings in response to real or remembered rejection. We feel anger, shame, embarrassed, anxious, or sad.
So we avoid what doesn’t feel good. After all, isn’t our body supposed to lead us to what feels good? Shouldn’t we listen to our body?
We must realize that our brain and body works to keep us safe. Safe doesn’t mean growth. If you’re looking for growth, it will feel uncomfortable. Rejection creates discomfort.
How does rejection create growth?
Rejection is another pseudonym for failure. If the spectrum consists of a yes or no, then the equivalent would be a success or fail.
But here’s the key. In failure, you get feedback. You get opportunities to tweak and grow and try again. You get feedback and you adjust until you succeed.
If you avoid rejection, you might think that you have saved yourself from a failure. What you’re doing is denying yourself the growth to get to success. You’re not giving yourself a shot at success.
What can we do to embrace rejection?
Focus on the things that you control. You control your actions, reactions, and emotions.
When you ask for something from another person, they will react. You cannot control how they react. In the worst case scenario, they will say no. They will reject you. That’s something that is outside your control.
You shouldn’t allow that to stop you from asking for what you want. That can’t stop you from walking towards what you want to do. What you can control is giving yourself the opportunity at getting a yes, even if it’s a slim yes.
Jia Jiang, a speaker at TEDx on rejection therapy, asked over 100 strangers for a different thing each day. On one occasion, he knocked on a stranger’s door to ask to plant flowers in their backyard. The stranger said no. He asked why. The stranger said he had a dog that would dig up things in the backyard. He didn’t want Jiang to waste his time planting the flower. He recommended Jiang try his neighbor’s house, as they loved flowers. Jiang knocked on the neighbor’s door and they were so happy.
When you ask for something and get a no. It feels uncomfortable. Don’t run away when feelings rise to the surface after hearing a no.
If you stay, you learn. Stay with the conversation. Ask them why. It could surprise you. Maybe even lead you towards other opportunities. Or you might get an explanation on reasons outside of your control. Whatever it is that you get as a response leads to your growth.
Now that you understand what makes them say no, you know what to do. Was it something in your control? If it is, you get to find a way to change that and get closer to the yes.
Dr Peter Tuerk, a clinical psychologist, suggests embracing the discomfort. “What happens over time is you habituate. Just like when you jump in a pool: it feels cold, then you wait, and that gets better.”
How to start rejection therapy
Jason Comely is the creator of the popular rejection therapy card game. He promotes gamifying rejection to build resilience. In the challenge, you will approach strangers for random “asks” or requests. You win by getting a no. You win by getting rejected. In this way, you force your brain to embrace getting rejected.
If you’d like to try it out on your own, here are a few ideas to start you off with:
Ask a stranger for x amount of cash
Ask a stranger for a hug
Ask a stranger for a mint
Once you start the challenge, you’ll realize that you’re getting better at it. You’ll realize hearing a no is not so bad. Sometimes you’ll even get a yes.
Conclusion
Asking for things is a skill. Most people say no to themselves. They don’t allow themselves a shot at a yes. Once you try it out, you’ll know that there’s nothing that can stop you. Once you embrace rejection, the world isn’t so scary anymore. Because now you’re saying yes to yourself. If it’s worth having, isn’t it worth an ask?